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I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching: