Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
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[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.