At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
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If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet