I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
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interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing