Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
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Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Something Saturday.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂