gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
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*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
me after eating Cheetos
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Carpe DM
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?