My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
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Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul