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*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.