Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
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Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me