She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
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Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop