Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
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I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Wait a minute…
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
#Caturday
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.