Ooh I do like a good funnel
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Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
I put the h in mysterious.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …