If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
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guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
The honesty is refreshing
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.