5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
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me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call