I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
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Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
(by @ZachWeiner )
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too