Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
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I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
waiting for halloween be like:
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
dictator is short for richard potato