In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
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the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
Only a mother’s love …
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.