…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
You Might Also Like
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
I’d hang this in my house.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
i hope my email finds you on fire
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT