I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
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Taliband
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
I only treason on days ending in y
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
Do not steal food from the science building!
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.