“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
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gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet