Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
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Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
the pigeons are already plenty salty
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.