I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
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It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.