Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
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Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
Dammit Chief not again
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process