Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
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[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
For the orator and chef in all of us