Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
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What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
My last name is Zilla.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.