To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
You Might Also Like
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
sensitive skin
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
*aggressively waits in line*
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
*me flirting
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same