Cherry seeds are just the pits.
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There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?