Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
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me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.