My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
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when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.