A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
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Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes