How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
You Might Also Like
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
How I like cutting carbs
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”