Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
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What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.