Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
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*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
Danger is very dangerous
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.