Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
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“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
There are no pants in heaven.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
The “research” scene in every horror movie
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there