Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
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“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂