BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
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me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.