I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
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Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.