My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
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Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
And then there were 4
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
me linking you to my twitter
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
This made me smile…
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”