I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
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just gave your address to some spiders
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.