If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
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[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
Oh hi lol
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”