Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
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me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
Perfect
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well