Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
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*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
I only treason on days ending in y
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.