[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
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Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
I love twitter
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
I laughed at this way too hard.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.