Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
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If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
This is true.