*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
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[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late