peeping toms
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Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”