My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
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My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.