Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
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you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
This made me smile…
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
happy valentine’s day to me
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.