Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
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Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead