I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
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My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
Crying is a sign of leakness.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?